Funk

Sometimes something about an album and your mood will collide and it’s pure white magic. Jackson 5 must’ve been infused with the Ghost of Christmas Happy at birth because their music is so goshdarned upbeat it gives you cavities. Michael’s voice is like a honey-coated Steve Perry that’s impossible to even pretend to sing along with. I think time stood still while their voices washed over me in a crystal wave of emotion. That kind of magic only happens when you empty out your CD Book and have no system for your CDs so they’re kinda just stacked everywhere. You don’t want to bother looking for anything so you just grab the first thing in the nearest stack and push play. The surprise element of it being perfect for your mood triggers a release of awesome chemicals in your mind that make you sexy. Sexy and rocking to an album of kickassery like God Herself played rhythm guitar on Track 04 and helped write some of the songs.

They need to name the moment that happens. But it would be a word too pure to say if you didn’t mean it. That way people couldn’t wear it out so it didn't carry the weight it originally intended – like the word “awesome.” It used to be awesome now it’s only cool. Sucks for that word. Also I think Funk contains a strand of every person’s DNA that’s why it feels so fucking right to listen to it. There’s probably something mathematically satisfying about the chord progression that resounds with all carbon-based lifeforms. Maybe it’s just me. Probably not though.

Funk makes me think of a chase scene in a '70s cop movie. When I hear Funk my vision gets grainy from the poor quality film. It’s like I am the '70s cop movie and all carbon-based lifeforms are my bitch. If you don’t like Funk, you’re a Communist Alien Robot without the ability to feel feelings and your kind will be crushed by the power of human spirit. Feel it if you could, Robot! Wah pedals on guitars can get you pregnant. When God created Earth he always meant to put wah pedals on guitars but ran out of time. It was up to us to figure that out and join the two together in holy harmony and distorted love. I bet, if you tried, you could have sex with the sound wah pedals make. I bet you could.

Music can make you dangerously happy. It can also make you sad if you let it but that’s just a bad album. If you find the right album and rock it correctly, you are guaranteed to feel good. Good like barbiturates - - and that’s crazy good.