Poop

Girls don’t poop. I swear to you that this is true. I went on a road trip with a girl once that lasted over 8 days and I never once saw (or heard) her poop. This was a road trip, mind you so we were eating like truck drivers and smoking like chimneys. If anything could get your bowels moving it’s road trip food and cigarettes. I spent most of that trip doubled over in cramps just so I wouldn’t fart in front of that poopless girl. The worst part is that when you finally get to stop, you’re stuck either using the gas station bathroom or a sketchy motel bathroom.

Gas station bathrooms are the worst. You can smell the industrial chemicals changing your DNA from pump number 2. There’s always strange colored puddles running out from under the rusty door. You’re dragging that muffler that the key is attached to behind you through aforementioned puddle like a caveman. They always make the door so heavy that you can’t avoid having to touch that greasy knob with your bare hands. There’s always novelty condoms on the wall next to your head if you’re thankfully standing. The concept of sitting down at one of these for any length of time is so yucky my toes curl. I don’t even like standing in one with cowboy boots on. You just know you’re going to have scabies after you flush.

Motel bathrooms are, at the very least, private and relatively free from air born viruses. They almost always have that weird, long toilet that puts your cheeks way too close to the water. The best way to get comfortable in these is to shotgun a cheap beer. After several trips to evacuate your bladder you’ll feel so at home you could take off your pants and play some SEGA®.

I always thought SEGA® was grossly superior to Nintendo®. It was back in the day – not so much now. Alex Kid in Miracle World is so drug-trippy it made me pop on a Piss Test. Sonic is not only way cuter than Mario but he could smoke him in a foot race. Even the music for Sonic games was better than anything Mario could throw at you. Although it was nice that Mario had a vocation in case the video game thing didn’t work out for him. He was a plumber and there’s always room for another plumber. He could have plenty of work driving behind me on road trips fixing the toilets after I’m done with them.