I have a huge problem with vanilla flavored vodka. It’s entirely too delicious. It used to be that drinking hard alcohol was a sign of hardcoreness. Only people like Dirty Harry, pirates and Russian punk rockers could take swigs straight from the bottle without making a face. Now, all you really need is enough money to get you off the bottom shelf to render mixers completely pointless. I realize that there’s nothing inherently tough about vanilla flavored vodka but that fact that one can chug-a-lug a pint of any kind of vodka is dangerous.
Even though it tastes like ice cream the following morning’s hangover is every bit as real as if it was whiskey. And I know because I like whiskey. But whiskey isn’t so sneaky about its motives. When you take a swig of whiskey from the bottle it lets you know it means business by burning your throat on the way down like a smooth draught of white-hot magnesium. Whiskey doesn’t pretend to be a girl drink on the way in while feeling like rot-gut grog 12 hours later. It’s honest.
And I respect honesty.
You know how sometimes complete bastards can be endearing? Whiskey is exactly like that. Like Aaron Eckhart in Thank You For Smoking; he’s so aware of his assholery that you don’t really “hate” him.
I should be clear – I’m talking about Irish Whiskey not bourbon. I don’t think bourbon is that good, it’s way too sweet. Irish Whiskey, on the other hand, makes you tough as nails and more attractive. I know this because I’ve swallowed quite a lot of it and I’m totally attractive. Another reason not to like bourbon is that you can mix it with Cola. Anything that you can mix with Cola is guaranteed to be not tough.
…unless you mixed something like gunpowder with Cola – that would be tough.
