Ninja

Recently I was told that ninjas are no longer in demand in the modern workforce. This news troubled me since I assumed that a vocation so specialized was guaranteed a niche. I decided to make a list of the kinds of jobs a typical ninja could easily do.

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1. Mail Man – All of that walking will keep your ninja heart in shape until you can get back into the game. Any sensei would concur that walking the earth is good for your spirit and chi; you may as well make a little yen doing it. Rent doesn’t pay itself you know (unless you know the kata “rentjin do san.”)
2. Write a Novel of your Memoirs – You probably have a ton of good stories from ninja-ing. They might even make a movie out of your book so make sure it’s truthful. The last thing you need is for Oprah to recommend your book and have the media question its authenticity (and your honor.)
3. Move to New York City to become an actor while working part time as a Waiter – There are so many people doing this right now no one will even notice that you’re actually a ninja.
4. Those guys that serve summons/subpoenas – Using stealth you could sneak up to the unsuspecting target. You could serve the summons and, using an Exploding Bomb of Vanishing, you would disappear. No one could hide from your ninja-ness.
5. Telemarketer – They are always hiring just don’t let your clan/dojo find out. If they learn of this dishonor you will surely be hunted down; better to preserve your honor and commit seppuku.
6. Exterminator – It’s not as exciting as assassinating clan lords but at least you can still enjoy the thrill of the hunt. Some of those lowly clan lords are no better than unwanted vermin anyway… FOR HONOR!!
7. Fashion Model – Years of honing your body to be a deadly weapon should have left you with the chiseled abs and rugged look that’s desired in models. You already know how good you look in black and you’re used to taking orders without questions (from your sensei.) Instead of your usual midnight romps through bamboo forests with your fellow ninja clansmen, you will be shaving your back and sunning on the beaches of Milan – but at least you’ll be making some yen and that’s haute.
8. Zombie – I’m not exactly sure how you go about becoming a zombie. Usually you have to be bitten by another zombie. What could be scarier than a zombie ninja?
a. A zombie ninja income tax form 1040A.
b. A zombie ninja terrorist.
c. A zombie ninja samurai pirate gangster hitman vegan.
d. All of the above.
9. Barber – You’ve already mastered century old sword techniques, scissors should be a piece of cake. You’ll be perfect for the patron who doesn’t want to talk to their barber because ninjas never speak. If someone from your rival clan should sit at your chair, you can still fight for the honor of your clan lord by either killing him or giving him a really bad haircut (one that even a ninja hood can’t hide.)
10.Prostitute – You might think that assassinating foreign dignitaries while wearing the cloak of darkness and striking from the shadows is the oldest profession but actually selling your body for sex is older. You can make pretty good yen and, if your pimp gets rough with you, a well-placed tanto between his shoulder blades will teach him otherwise.
11.Computer Programmer – You’d have to hang up your ninja climbing spikes and sword but your cunning could be used in writing code. Perhaps you’ll stumble upon some innovative new program that you could build an empire on. Use this newfound wealth and power to crush your enemies because you are still ninja.

David Caruso

The internet is full of all of the glory of Chuck Norris but there is not nearly as much dedicated to the total suckery of David Caruso. I intend to change that at some point. Here is a start:

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1. If David Caruso was a computer, he would be a Speak 'n Spell.
2. If you play Contra with David Caruso, he will always steal your mans.
3. You know how, in movies, when someone is using all of their psychic brain power to do something, their nose bleeds? David Caruso gets nose bleeds from trying to remember the number for 911.
4. The highest that David Caruso can count is to 1.
5. He might be able to count higher with a calculator unfortunately the number of buttons causes David Caruso's mind to overload and he faints.
6. When David Caruso was born, the doctor had trouble determining the gender because David Caruso is big fat sissy.
7. David Caruso gets arrested for being in public.
8. The original name for Hotdog-on-a-Stick was David Caruso but they changed it in favor of something more intimidating.
9. David Caruso is a big idiot.
10.David Caruso tried to keep a diary but, as soon as he wrote "Dear Diary," the diary said it didn't want anyone to see them talking. David Caruso can't even be friends with his diary.
11.Many hand lotion companies have stopped saying their product makes your hands softer than silk and have started saying softer than David Caruso.
12.The reason babies cry is because they know that somewhere out there David Caruso is still David Caruso.
13.The US Government recently released the following information: The reason you have to pay taxes is because of David Caruso.
14.David Caruso will never win an award for acting because he really sucks at it.
15.The only thing that David Caruso is not afraid of is Testicular Cancer.
16.Originally, they called Cabbage Patch Kids David Caruso but they switched the name so it would sound tougher.
17.The PIN number for David Caruso's Debit Card is 1111 because thats as high as he can count (remember.)
18.In High School, Tinkerbell used to bully David Caruso and steal his lunch money.
19.David Caruso is so out of shape, he gets a side ache from winking. But he's so uncoordinated he can't actually wink.
20.Remember that fat kid who was Jedi fighting in his basement that was all over the internet? David Caruso watched him with a mixture of awe and jealousy.
21.Aliens exist but they only have access to the move Jade and the TV Show CSI: Miami so, based on David Caruso, they've decided that were not even worth the effort.
22.In the Garden of Eden, after the Fall of Man, God punished the human race with David Caruso.
23.One day, we will probably be able to cure the common cold but we will never be able to cure David Caruso.
24.The reason airplanes still have ashtrays in the armrests even though you will never be able to smoke on a flight is because David Caruso uses them to put his tissue in after he's done crying.
25.David Caruso is picked last in every competition - even solitaire.
26.There was once a fight between David Caruso and a dandelion and the dandelion beat his ass.
27.Green NyQuil is actually what David Caruso tastes like.
28.Two chickens are about to fight and one chicken says to the other, "What's a matter David Caruso?"
29.Due to some of the advances in science, we are able to prevent anymore babies being born as David Caruso.
30.There is one nice thing about David Caruso but I dont know what it is.
31.If everyone in the world was a salad, David Caruso would be totally gross coleslaw with too much mayonnaise.
32.David Caruso is so dumb he can't even find porn on the internet.
33.There is only one time that David Caruso answered a question right, when he was in school but the question was: Are you totally lame? He said yes.
34.Some people are vegetarians, some people are vegan, David Caruso is just crappy.
35.When most people are enjoying the delicious taste of Samoas, David Caruso is crying under his bed because he's so scared of Girl Scouts.
36.Canned mushrooms are pretty gross but David Caruso is way grosser.
37.Ronald Reagan and David Caruso walked into a bar. The bartender kicked them both out; he didnt care how cool Reagan was David Caruso sucked enough for both of them.
38.Many scientists believe that Jar Jar Binks was played by David Caruso because of how annoying it was.
39.CSI actually stands for Caruso Sucks It.
40....and it's totally true.