David Caruso

The internet is full of all of the glory of Chuck Norris but there is not nearly as much dedicated to the total suckery of David Caruso. I intend to change that at some point. Here is a start:

- - -

1. If David Caruso was a computer, he would be a Speak 'n Spell.
2. If you play Contra with David Caruso, he will always steal your mans.
3. You know how, in movies, when someone is using all of their psychic brain power to do something, their nose bleeds? David Caruso gets nose bleeds from trying to remember the number for 911.
4. The highest that David Caruso can count is to 1.
5. He might be able to count higher with a calculator unfortunately the number of buttons causes David Caruso's mind to overload and he faints.
6. When David Caruso was born, the doctor had trouble determining the gender because David Caruso is big fat sissy.
7. David Caruso gets arrested for being in public.
8. The original name for Hotdog-on-a-Stick was David Caruso but they changed it in favor of something more intimidating.
9. David Caruso is a big idiot.
10.David Caruso tried to keep a diary but, as soon as he wrote "Dear Diary," the diary said it didn't want anyone to see them talking. David Caruso can't even be friends with his diary.
11.Many hand lotion companies have stopped saying their product makes your hands softer than silk and have started saying softer than David Caruso.
12.The reason babies cry is because they know that somewhere out there David Caruso is still David Caruso.
13.The US Government recently released the following information: The reason you have to pay taxes is because of David Caruso.
14.David Caruso will never win an award for acting because he really sucks at it.
15.The only thing that David Caruso is not afraid of is Testicular Cancer.
16.Originally, they called Cabbage Patch Kids David Caruso but they switched the name so it would sound tougher.
17.The PIN number for David Caruso's Debit Card is 1111 because thats as high as he can count (remember.)
18.In High School, Tinkerbell used to bully David Caruso and steal his lunch money.
19.David Caruso is so out of shape, he gets a side ache from winking. But he's so uncoordinated he can't actually wink.
20.Remember that fat kid who was Jedi fighting in his basement that was all over the internet? David Caruso watched him with a mixture of awe and jealousy.
21.Aliens exist but they only have access to the move Jade and the TV Show CSI: Miami so, based on David Caruso, they've decided that were not even worth the effort.
22.In the Garden of Eden, after the Fall of Man, God punished the human race with David Caruso.
23.One day, we will probably be able to cure the common cold but we will never be able to cure David Caruso.
24.The reason airplanes still have ashtrays in the armrests even though you will never be able to smoke on a flight is because David Caruso uses them to put his tissue in after he's done crying.
25.David Caruso is picked last in every competition - even solitaire.
26.There was once a fight between David Caruso and a dandelion and the dandelion beat his ass.
27.Green NyQuil is actually what David Caruso tastes like.
28.Two chickens are about to fight and one chicken says to the other, "What's a matter David Caruso?"
29.Due to some of the advances in science, we are able to prevent anymore babies being born as David Caruso.
30.There is one nice thing about David Caruso but I dont know what it is.
31.If everyone in the world was a salad, David Caruso would be totally gross coleslaw with too much mayonnaise.
32.David Caruso is so dumb he can't even find porn on the internet.
33.There is only one time that David Caruso answered a question right, when he was in school but the question was: Are you totally lame? He said yes.
34.Some people are vegetarians, some people are vegan, David Caruso is just crappy.
35.When most people are enjoying the delicious taste of Samoas, David Caruso is crying under his bed because he's so scared of Girl Scouts.
36.Canned mushrooms are pretty gross but David Caruso is way grosser.
37.Ronald Reagan and David Caruso walked into a bar. The bartender kicked them both out; he didnt care how cool Reagan was David Caruso sucked enough for both of them.
38.Many scientists believe that Jar Jar Binks was played by David Caruso because of how annoying it was.
39.CSI actually stands for Caruso Sucks It.
40....and it's totally true.