Ninja

Recently I was told that ninjas are no longer in demand in the modern workforce. This news troubled me since I assumed that a vocation so specialized was guaranteed a niche. I decided to make a list of the kinds of jobs a typical ninja could easily do.

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1. Mail Man – All of that walking will keep your ninja heart in shape until you can get back into the game. Any sensei would concur that walking the earth is good for your spirit and chi; you may as well make a little yen doing it. Rent doesn’t pay itself you know (unless you know the kata “rentjin do san.”)
2. Write a Novel of your Memoirs – You probably have a ton of good stories from ninja-ing. They might even make a movie out of your book so make sure it’s truthful. The last thing you need is for Oprah to recommend your book and have the media question its authenticity (and your honor.)
3. Move to New York City to become an actor while working part time as a Waiter – There are so many people doing this right now no one will even notice that you’re actually a ninja.
4. Those guys that serve summons/subpoenas – Using stealth you could sneak up to the unsuspecting target. You could serve the summons and, using an Exploding Bomb of Vanishing, you would disappear. No one could hide from your ninja-ness.
5. Telemarketer – They are always hiring just don’t let your clan/dojo find out. If they learn of this dishonor you will surely be hunted down; better to preserve your honor and commit seppuku.
6. Exterminator – It’s not as exciting as assassinating clan lords but at least you can still enjoy the thrill of the hunt. Some of those lowly clan lords are no better than unwanted vermin anyway… FOR HONOR!!
7. Fashion Model – Years of honing your body to be a deadly weapon should have left you with the chiseled abs and rugged look that’s desired in models. You already know how good you look in black and you’re used to taking orders without questions (from your sensei.) Instead of your usual midnight romps through bamboo forests with your fellow ninja clansmen, you will be shaving your back and sunning on the beaches of Milan – but at least you’ll be making some yen and that’s haute.
8. Zombie – I’m not exactly sure how you go about becoming a zombie. Usually you have to be bitten by another zombie. What could be scarier than a zombie ninja?
a. A zombie ninja income tax form 1040A.
b. A zombie ninja terrorist.
c. A zombie ninja samurai pirate gangster hitman vegan.
d. All of the above.
9. Barber – You’ve already mastered century old sword techniques, scissors should be a piece of cake. You’ll be perfect for the patron who doesn’t want to talk to their barber because ninjas never speak. If someone from your rival clan should sit at your chair, you can still fight for the honor of your clan lord by either killing him or giving him a really bad haircut (one that even a ninja hood can’t hide.)
10.Prostitute – You might think that assassinating foreign dignitaries while wearing the cloak of darkness and striking from the shadows is the oldest profession but actually selling your body for sex is older. You can make pretty good yen and, if your pimp gets rough with you, a well-placed tanto between his shoulder blades will teach him otherwise.
11.Computer Programmer – You’d have to hang up your ninja climbing spikes and sword but your cunning could be used in writing code. Perhaps you’ll stumble upon some innovative new program that you could build an empire on. Use this newfound wealth and power to crush your enemies because you are still ninja.