Finale

Last night, like millions, I sat on my couch drinking whiskey and watching the season finale of Heroes. And also, like millions, I was disappointed. Not since the last Stephan King novel have I ever seen something end with less of a bang than my first sexual encounter. This show started with so much promise; a TV Show about superheroes is a solid start for entertainment. I would think, with this foundation, all you really had to do was add some hot girls, multiple fight scenes and the vaguest hint of a plot and you’d have some solid gold adspace for some corporate sponsors.

Heroes’ plot was more than vague, it was positively delicious in its comic bookery. The main villain ironically has a similar power to the main hero – that is so righteous that Stan Lee probably gave himself a high-five. I hope that the scientist working on volatile human potential serums steps his research up a notch so we can get this millennium into the spirit of the future with some super powered citizens. Heroes totally hit a home run on that.

It even boasted some seriously decent fight scenes for a television show. I haven’t seen a samurai sword fight on the tube since that one episode of A Team. So how come, after building up to the showdown between Sylar and Peter, I have to settle for a few punches and one sword move. I’ve seen fisticuffs last longer at school dances. When people with more powers than a pack of Pokémon face off there is usually more laser noises and beams of colliding power. It seems like if you have the ability to become invisible or wield the frozen powers of ice, you might try using that against a superhuman attacker.

And did I hear Jim Brown say that the power to save the world had been inside Peter all along? Or am I thinking of the end of Wizard of Oz? And did one of the more famous football playing actors say that the power was… love? I was thinking the real power was traveling through time and space at your leisure. That AND doing awesome-infused sword rocking. I’d even settle for being able to go through walls or being a schizophrenic blonde but – love?! Isn’t that what the Care Bears were for? If they couldn’t solve the world’s problems with the Care Bear Stare then I’m pretty sure Peter Petrelli’s optimistic heart isn’t going to cut it either. Maybe he should try all those other powers he has like being an unkillable, nuclear teleporter that can turn invisible.

I’m going to try and not let it ruin my opinion of superheroes but it’s going to take more whiskey and less watching of season finales. Incidentally, I will probably still watch Season 2.

Airplanes

One of my favorite things to do is lie. Let me clarify two things 1) I don’t mean on the ground or in bed and 2) I don’t mean about things that are important. I’m specifically talking about lying to people on airplanes. Don’t lie to the people in the airport or you could find yourself in some American POW camp that doesn’t exist on paper but feel free to lie to the person sitting next to you on the airplane.

Especially if they got the window seat.

My real life is pretty boring so I like to spice things up for the trip by inventing a fictitious, awesome life for the person who won’t quit asking me about it. I never plan for it either. I just start answering their incessant questions with anything but the truth. I also try not to use the same story twice. I’ve been everything from a Santeria priest on his way to Cuba to a member of an obscure, Hungarian pop group Egészségedra¹. The latter was hard to pull off because I speak absolutely zero Hungarian but, luckily, neither did the women sitting next to me.

I’d like to tell you that this rapid-pace, off-the-cuff lying is good for your prefrontal cortex or something but I don’t really know if that’s true and we’re not currently on an airplane so I won’t lie to you. All I can tell you is that it’s a much better way to pass the time than watching Galaxy Quest and drinking Ginger Ale². The funny thing is, I’ve never even thought to do this to a beautiful woman.

One time, on my way from San Francisco to Honolulu, I found my self sitting in the Business Class section with no one else but this woman that looked like a cross between Tia Carrere and Ziyi Zhang. One would think that this might’ve been the perfect time to be a Hungarian pop singer but, instead of using my powers of deception for good (to possibly impress girls) I made the fatal mistake of telling her my actual story.

Which was lame.

The weird part is that I don’t really lie any other time. I mean, sure I’ll tell a telemarketer than it’s against my religion to refinance my home or own a Craftmatic® adjustable bed. I might even tell a panhandler that I’m all out of change but I’d never obstruct justice or anything like that.

I’d never lie about anything important.

The ethical ramifications of lying on an airplane never even occur to me. I think it’s because we’re not technically on earth. We’re still within the constraints of gravity and atmosphere but we’re actually several miles away from earth. Ethics don’t count as much up here. At this height, I may actually be a Santeria priest (I’m just not actually going to Cuba – yet. One day, I might actually go to Cuba so in a vague way I could be “on my way to Cuba.”)

I’m guessing that the rules can be bent when you’re off of the planet.


¹There is no such pop group; this is the only Hungarian word I know.
²Why does everyone seem to drink Ginger Ale on airplanes?

Ninja

Recently I was told that ninjas are no longer in demand in the modern workforce. This news troubled me since I assumed that a vocation so specialized was guaranteed a niche. I decided to make a list of the kinds of jobs a typical ninja could easily do.

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1. Mail Man – All of that walking will keep your ninja heart in shape until you can get back into the game. Any sensei would concur that walking the earth is good for your spirit and chi; you may as well make a little yen doing it. Rent doesn’t pay itself you know (unless you know the kata “rentjin do san.”)
2. Write a Novel of your Memoirs – You probably have a ton of good stories from ninja-ing. They might even make a movie out of your book so make sure it’s truthful. The last thing you need is for Oprah to recommend your book and have the media question its authenticity (and your honor.)
3. Move to New York City to become an actor while working part time as a Waiter – There are so many people doing this right now no one will even notice that you’re actually a ninja.
4. Those guys that serve summons/subpoenas – Using stealth you could sneak up to the unsuspecting target. You could serve the summons and, using an Exploding Bomb of Vanishing, you would disappear. No one could hide from your ninja-ness.
5. Telemarketer – They are always hiring just don’t let your clan/dojo find out. If they learn of this dishonor you will surely be hunted down; better to preserve your honor and commit seppuku.
6. Exterminator – It’s not as exciting as assassinating clan lords but at least you can still enjoy the thrill of the hunt. Some of those lowly clan lords are no better than unwanted vermin anyway… FOR HONOR!!
7. Fashion Model – Years of honing your body to be a deadly weapon should have left you with the chiseled abs and rugged look that’s desired in models. You already know how good you look in black and you’re used to taking orders without questions (from your sensei.) Instead of your usual midnight romps through bamboo forests with your fellow ninja clansmen, you will be shaving your back and sunning on the beaches of Milan – but at least you’ll be making some yen and that’s haute.
8. Zombie – I’m not exactly sure how you go about becoming a zombie. Usually you have to be bitten by another zombie. What could be scarier than a zombie ninja?
a. A zombie ninja income tax form 1040A.
b. A zombie ninja terrorist.
c. A zombie ninja samurai pirate gangster hitman vegan.
d. All of the above.
9. Barber – You’ve already mastered century old sword techniques, scissors should be a piece of cake. You’ll be perfect for the patron who doesn’t want to talk to their barber because ninjas never speak. If someone from your rival clan should sit at your chair, you can still fight for the honor of your clan lord by either killing him or giving him a really bad haircut (one that even a ninja hood can’t hide.)
10.Prostitute – You might think that assassinating foreign dignitaries while wearing the cloak of darkness and striking from the shadows is the oldest profession but actually selling your body for sex is older. You can make pretty good yen and, if your pimp gets rough with you, a well-placed tanto between his shoulder blades will teach him otherwise.
11.Computer Programmer – You’d have to hang up your ninja climbing spikes and sword but your cunning could be used in writing code. Perhaps you’ll stumble upon some innovative new program that you could build an empire on. Use this newfound wealth and power to crush your enemies because you are still ninja.

David Caruso

The internet is full of all of the glory of Chuck Norris but there is not nearly as much dedicated to the total suckery of David Caruso. I intend to change that at some point. Here is a start:

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1. If David Caruso was a computer, he would be a Speak 'n Spell.
2. If you play Contra with David Caruso, he will always steal your mans.
3. You know how, in movies, when someone is using all of their psychic brain power to do something, their nose bleeds? David Caruso gets nose bleeds from trying to remember the number for 911.
4. The highest that David Caruso can count is to 1.
5. He might be able to count higher with a calculator unfortunately the number of buttons causes David Caruso's mind to overload and he faints.
6. When David Caruso was born, the doctor had trouble determining the gender because David Caruso is big fat sissy.
7. David Caruso gets arrested for being in public.
8. The original name for Hotdog-on-a-Stick was David Caruso but they changed it in favor of something more intimidating.
9. David Caruso is a big idiot.
10.David Caruso tried to keep a diary but, as soon as he wrote "Dear Diary," the diary said it didn't want anyone to see them talking. David Caruso can't even be friends with his diary.
11.Many hand lotion companies have stopped saying their product makes your hands softer than silk and have started saying softer than David Caruso.
12.The reason babies cry is because they know that somewhere out there David Caruso is still David Caruso.
13.The US Government recently released the following information: The reason you have to pay taxes is because of David Caruso.
14.David Caruso will never win an award for acting because he really sucks at it.
15.The only thing that David Caruso is not afraid of is Testicular Cancer.
16.Originally, they called Cabbage Patch Kids David Caruso but they switched the name so it would sound tougher.
17.The PIN number for David Caruso's Debit Card is 1111 because thats as high as he can count (remember.)
18.In High School, Tinkerbell used to bully David Caruso and steal his lunch money.
19.David Caruso is so out of shape, he gets a side ache from winking. But he's so uncoordinated he can't actually wink.
20.Remember that fat kid who was Jedi fighting in his basement that was all over the internet? David Caruso watched him with a mixture of awe and jealousy.
21.Aliens exist but they only have access to the move Jade and the TV Show CSI: Miami so, based on David Caruso, they've decided that were not even worth the effort.
22.In the Garden of Eden, after the Fall of Man, God punished the human race with David Caruso.
23.One day, we will probably be able to cure the common cold but we will never be able to cure David Caruso.
24.The reason airplanes still have ashtrays in the armrests even though you will never be able to smoke on a flight is because David Caruso uses them to put his tissue in after he's done crying.
25.David Caruso is picked last in every competition - even solitaire.
26.There was once a fight between David Caruso and a dandelion and the dandelion beat his ass.
27.Green NyQuil is actually what David Caruso tastes like.
28.Two chickens are about to fight and one chicken says to the other, "What's a matter David Caruso?"
29.Due to some of the advances in science, we are able to prevent anymore babies being born as David Caruso.
30.There is one nice thing about David Caruso but I dont know what it is.
31.If everyone in the world was a salad, David Caruso would be totally gross coleslaw with too much mayonnaise.
32.David Caruso is so dumb he can't even find porn on the internet.
33.There is only one time that David Caruso answered a question right, when he was in school but the question was: Are you totally lame? He said yes.
34.Some people are vegetarians, some people are vegan, David Caruso is just crappy.
35.When most people are enjoying the delicious taste of Samoas, David Caruso is crying under his bed because he's so scared of Girl Scouts.
36.Canned mushrooms are pretty gross but David Caruso is way grosser.
37.Ronald Reagan and David Caruso walked into a bar. The bartender kicked them both out; he didnt care how cool Reagan was David Caruso sucked enough for both of them.
38.Many scientists believe that Jar Jar Binks was played by David Caruso because of how annoying it was.
39.CSI actually stands for Caruso Sucks It.
40....and it's totally true.

Whiskey

I have a huge problem with vanilla flavored vodka. It’s entirely too delicious. It used to be that drinking hard alcohol was a sign of hardcoreness. Only people like Dirty Harry, pirates and Russian punk rockers could take swigs straight from the bottle without making a face. Now, all you really need is enough money to get you off the bottom shelf to render mixers completely pointless. I realize that there’s nothing inherently tough about vanilla flavored vodka but that fact that one can chug-a-lug a pint of any kind of vodka is dangerous.

Even though it tastes like ice cream the following morning’s hangover is every bit as real as if it was whiskey. And I know because I like whiskey. But whiskey isn’t so sneaky about its motives. When you take a swig of whiskey from the bottle it lets you know it means business by burning your throat on the way down like a smooth draught of white-hot magnesium. Whiskey doesn’t pretend to be a girl drink on the way in while feeling like rot-gut grog 12 hours later. It’s honest.

And I respect honesty.

You know how sometimes complete bastards can be endearing? Whiskey is exactly like that. Like Aaron Eckhart in Thank You For Smoking; he’s so aware of his assholery that you don’t really “hate” him.

I should be clear – I’m talking about Irish Whiskey not bourbon. I don’t think bourbon is that good, it’s way too sweet. Irish Whiskey, on the other hand, makes you tough as nails and more attractive. I know this because I’ve swallowed quite a lot of it and I’m totally attractive. Another reason not to like bourbon is that you can mix it with Cola. Anything that you can mix with Cola is guaranteed to be not tough.

…unless you mixed something like gunpowder with Cola – that would be tough.

Balls

I heard somewhere that the guns that traffic cops use to gauge your speed emit enough radiation to cause cancer. After laying them in their laps to take a drink of coffee, that thing rested against the cop’s nads long enough to give the man testicular cancer. Although I could never wish that on another man, the irony of the situation isn’t lost. Here are guys who get off on being macho; pulling someone over for not stopping before exiting a driveway isn’t keeping the streets any safer, it’s a pissing contest between you and a sad bastard who didn’t make the football team. That’s why, when their under-calibrated tool poisons their other under-calibrated tool into cancer, you can almost feel God nudging your ribs to make sure you got the joke.

Now days it’s almost cool for guys to get testicular cancer. It’s like since we no longer have to worry about getting shivved in a back alley we can still go to war – against our own balls. It’ll leave a scar and it’ll draw attention to our groin. How tough is that to tell your friends in your white sweater on a tennis court? It’s totally cool. Plus Lance Armstrong had it and, if he experienced it, then it’s most likely good for humanity. I bet there’s even a type of guy who likes when people ask about his yellow, rubber bracelet just so he can go into his own battle with the big, dark cancer. That same guy has a bumper sticker that says “These Colors Don’t Run” and thinks he’s making a statement.

Cancer survivors and cops are both groups of men who like to make sure we all know that they’re really indeed MEN. With their mustaches and their overbite and their cheap cologne. Of course, I want to be a cop – what guy doesn’t to some degree. Especially guys my age, we grew up with Magnum PI, Sidekicks, and Beverly Hills Cop 2. We think that being a cop involves at least one car chase scene, one strip bar scene, one straight-up beat down scene and probably one scene that involves layers of complicated emotions every single damn day. You get to wear whatever you want and answer to no one except for a nebbish Police Chief who always complains about your unorthodox methods to the Commissioner¹.

You barely have any paperwork and when you do it’s in a cool office that you can smoke in. Your partner is either hot or awesome and you drive a car that runs on pure machismo with flames. And you don’t even need to worry about testicular cancer because, not only are you immune but you don’t have to worry about pulling people over because you’re actually out fighting crime.


¹except for Batman who spoke directly to the Commissioner. But Batman wasn’t a cop, he was a billionaire playboy.

Poop

Girls don’t poop. I swear to you that this is true. I went on a road trip with a girl once that lasted over 8 days and I never once saw (or heard) her poop. This was a road trip, mind you so we were eating like truck drivers and smoking like chimneys. If anything could get your bowels moving it’s road trip food and cigarettes. I spent most of that trip doubled over in cramps just so I wouldn’t fart in front of that poopless girl. The worst part is that when you finally get to stop, you’re stuck either using the gas station bathroom or a sketchy motel bathroom.

Gas station bathrooms are the worst. You can smell the industrial chemicals changing your DNA from pump number 2. There’s always strange colored puddles running out from under the rusty door. You’re dragging that muffler that the key is attached to behind you through aforementioned puddle like a caveman. They always make the door so heavy that you can’t avoid having to touch that greasy knob with your bare hands. There’s always novelty condoms on the wall next to your head if you’re thankfully standing. The concept of sitting down at one of these for any length of time is so yucky my toes curl. I don’t even like standing in one with cowboy boots on. You just know you’re going to have scabies after you flush.

Motel bathrooms are, at the very least, private and relatively free from air born viruses. They almost always have that weird, long toilet that puts your cheeks way too close to the water. The best way to get comfortable in these is to shotgun a cheap beer. After several trips to evacuate your bladder you’ll feel so at home you could take off your pants and play some SEGA®.

I always thought SEGA® was grossly superior to Nintendo®. It was back in the day – not so much now. Alex Kid in Miracle World is so drug-trippy it made me pop on a Piss Test. Sonic is not only way cuter than Mario but he could smoke him in a foot race. Even the music for Sonic games was better than anything Mario could throw at you. Although it was nice that Mario had a vocation in case the video game thing didn’t work out for him. He was a plumber and there’s always room for another plumber. He could have plenty of work driving behind me on road trips fixing the toilets after I’m done with them.